Positive Affirmations and Funny Jokes

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None Positive Affirmations and Funny Jokes

Post by daisy on 2010-09-27, 16:17

Hey guys, so we can post positive affirmations and jokes here. Post the funniest jokes you can find! So when we're sad we can come here and have our spirits lifted...


I'll start off and post one of each...

PA:


  • I know that I deserve Love and accept it now
  • I give out Love and it is returned to me multiplied
  • I rejoice in the Love I encounter everyday from family and friends
Joke:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.
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Post by LR on 2010-09-27, 16:27

lol..lol.. good one Daisy Wink . thanks for bringing a broad smile to my face Smile

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Post by TC on 2010-09-27, 16:28

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL lol! lol! lol!

Love your affirmation too - I'm gonna have to go and have a good think about this one - wont be able to top yours though

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Post by tsen on 2010-09-27, 19:58

hahaha.... cool one............ Very Happy Very Happy
and i thought of posting a cartoon drawn by myself few days ago, i have to attach it as a photograph with the reply.And i have to delete it after few days.........is that okayyyyyy ?

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Post by tsen on 2010-09-27, 20:03

hope you'd like it Smile

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Post by daisy on 2010-09-27, 20:06

did you already post it? ...I can't see it....
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Post by tsen on 2010-09-27, 20:13

aaaaaaaa i'm trying to attach it to the reply.but it's unable to do, do you know how to attach it?

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Post by daisy on 2010-09-27, 20:14

hmm well a couple of icons left to the smiley, there are buttons to "host an image"...try that maybe??
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Post by tsen on 2010-09-27, 20:17

yeah!i tried it already, it's not working..... Sad

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Post by tsen on 2010-09-27, 20:37

didn't insert the image to the post.if u can visit this link and see it.

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Post by daisy on 2010-09-27, 21:07

LOL i love it!! It's so cute!!! Laughing Laughing bounce Laughing Laughing
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Post by spsp1 on 2010-10-10, 08:48

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.



One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.



For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.



Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."



The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."



"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."



Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.



You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.



SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

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Post by daisy on 2010-10-10, 15:07

awww i love it!!! Thanks spsp1 for posting that!! Smile
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Post by daisy on 2010-10-13, 16:10

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that he invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was sill feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doc to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.


She and her husband were ecstatic....when they got home, they found the postman dead on the porch!
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Post by TC on 2010-10-13, 16:12

Ha ha ha ha - so so funny Daisy - I'm still trying to come up with a good one for here lol! lol! lol!

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Post by Maggie on 2011-03-12, 22:57

A girl pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down
the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever in
the back seat had fresh air while she went into the store.
The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted
to impress upon her that she must remain there.

She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at
the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave her a strange look and
said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

====== ====== ======

ONE DAY JOB

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, very
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "H... no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
h... would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

So I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-16, 02:59

once there was a guy who can't read. but every day he used buy the newspaper and used to read it at the park........
oneday,while he was reading the newspaper as usual, he was much deep into the news paper......so a new commer to the city came to him and asked him " what's the special news today"
our guy said with a deep look, "nothing but cars have started running upside down"........ the new commer was amazed and peeped into the paper....
and started laughing.....cuz our man was holding the news paper upside down......

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-16, 03:25

haha--funny
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-16, 16:10

Psychic Jokes

Joke One


“I almost had a Psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” Steven Wright.
Joke Two


Debbie visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivered the bad news:
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
“Will I get away with it?”
Joke Three


Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and a tarot reader?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Joke Four


“I can see into your future and I see you being ignored by at least 10 people in the near future!” — Actual quote from a chatroom.
Joke Five


When two psychics met, one said to the other, “You are fine. How am I?”
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-16, 16:42

Very Happy Very Happy.......cool really enjoyed maggie..... specially the last joke.... it's true..... Smile i love it.....5 th joke

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-16, 18:00

haha--me too Razz
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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-17, 01:13

LOLOLOL... the last one was the killer
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-20, 09:25

Life has many battles.
But I am a warrior.
~Nathaniel Bronner~

Keep Fighting And Never Give Up.

Dreams Can Come True.
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-20, 09:37

aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww! maggie...... Very Happy happy for you.....really really happy........... so great!

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-20, 17:02

Thank you, but all I have thus far are dreams, no realization, but I do plan to keep fighting.
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-22, 07:34

Every sunset gives us one day less to live. But every sunrise give us one day more to hope! So, hope for the best and live to the fullest. Be good to those who are good to you. Strive to be kind to all. Thank God for all your blessings & run like hell from the devil.
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-22, 22:22

I hope this okay to wish everyone......

00000 HAVE A HAPPY EASTER 00000
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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-23, 03:34

You are exactly the way you are intended to be – conceived by God as the person you are.
Your only job is to find out who that is ~ and accept all that you find.

-doctor craig martin-


love this!
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-23, 03:46

yes! finding that person inside you may be different, and it depends on you!

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Post by tsen on 2011-04-23, 10:59

tricky question :
once a hunter came out of his house with his gun, and started walking towards south direction. Then he walked so long.... and turned to his left handside by 90 degrees. then he again walked a long distance directly and suddenly again turned to his left hand side by 90 degrees. again he started walking along that direction and after walking a long distance, he found his house.
suddenly he saw a bear by his house. What's the COLOUR of this bear.....?

seems silly question. but funny, if someone is interested.

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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-23, 11:17

black? brown? the same colour as his house? no idea
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-23, 11:21

since this is for jokes, i guess it'd be ok to explaine..... hehe... think a bit.... it's a tricky question.... but good to think and pass time.....
if you want the answer let me know by a pm. but don't give up thinking so quickly.... the question is to think.... Smile

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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-23, 11:33

LOL, not sure, really. my mind is quite zonked.
i only know that he probably ended up in the east, so not sure how he walked to his house and saw the bear.
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 01:28

Senior wedding





Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-24, 03:55

in the 19th century, there was once a couple who lived near a waterfall, away from town. the husband is an atheist, while his wife is an avid christian, who has always tried convincing him to go to church.

one day, the husband decided to get a horse and carriage for easy transportation. he walked many miles to town, and finally met an owner of a stable who was selling horses. this owner was a catholic.

"sir, i need a buy a horse and a carriage," he told the owner.
"sure, but i need to caution you, my horses have been trained the catholic way," the owner replied.

"what do you mean?"
"well, they listen and react to catholic 'commands'. this horse..," the owner ushered the man to a very handsome white horse "... follows these two phrases - 'Praise the Lord!' and 'Allelujah!' The first one being to move, and the second phrase is to stop."

impressed, the man decided to give the horse a test run. true enough, when he shouted "Praise the Lord!", the horse began to move, and when he shouted "Allelujah!", the horse immediately halted.

thus, he decided to purchase it and a carriage. excited, he thought it would be a nice surprise to show his wife. when he got home, he quickly told his wife to hop onto the carriage.

"honey, i may not believe in god, but i know the language of the lord to command this horse!"

his wife, skeptical of the whole thing, demanded ,"prove to me then."

so the man shouted "Praise the Lord!" and the horse started moving. in awe, the wife asked excitedly, "it moves when you say 'Praise the Lord' ?" and the horse started to gallop faster.

"yup, my love, just say 'Praise the Lord!'" and the horse moved even faster.

however, their excitement turned to horror when they realized that the horse was cruising towards a high cliff, with a high drop off into a valley below. "how do you get it to stop?!" the wife cried.

panicking, the man screamed at the horse "stop! STOP!!!"
but the horse kept running. suddenly, remembering the owner's words, he cried at the top of his lungs, "ALLELUJAH!!!"

the horse immediately dug its hooves onto the ground and the carriage was brought to a stop, just inches away to the end of the cliff.

the wife, breathing a huge sigh of relief, told her husband, "the Lord has heard our prayer!"
and lifting her hands upwards, she cried, "Praise the Lord!"
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-24, 04:02

hahaha...... really funny lol!

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 10:26

funny!

Tsen, maybe the bear was white (polar bear) and lived in an ice/snow house. hmmm

I believe that is the North Pole is where they live, just not sure about the East ...maybe he had a condo, elsewhere. lol
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-24, 10:57

Yes! your answer is correct...... Smile [ but why do you say "may be"] ? Wink

but with the answer you have to explain why do you think it's white (it could be south pole as well) ..... and polar bears don't live in east....
most important part of the question is the explanation, why do you say so?

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 11:26

I don't know too much thinking..but I got one part right, pretty good for feeling "zonked", myself. bounce
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 12:05

Maybe because he made a 180 degree turn.
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Post by tsen on 2011-04-24, 12:23

nope.....!
if you tried to draw the path of the hunter, you'll se you can't do it on a paper(paper) ... because it seems it's contradictory. But if you try to figure out his path on a curved surface...you'll see that that's the only way. All these conditions mentioned in the question are only satisfied by the surface of a sphere (I mean the globe).
since i've mentioned the hunter comes south, it should be north pole pole. but even, if the person in south pole, relative to his position, he will still have a south direction, and will be moving north pole relative to his position. So nomatter since, you have to find the color of the bear. it's white, since it's a polar bear.
So you'll see, understanding hunters path on a curved surface is the most important thing.

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Post by tsen on 2011-04-24, 12:25

if you think his path regarding the globe, you'll see he's walking on longitudes and lattitudes....... that's it... have to think out of your usual frame.

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 13:39

That is not forte, ....but did u know??

These are supposedly true facts of death.
Perhaps what you are so scared of isn't really so scary.


(1) More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.

(2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks.
Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.

(3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by
a poisonous spider.

(4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all
the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed
1/4 of Europe's population in the 14th century, caused by germs
transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.

(5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide
is the mosquito.

(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.

(7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the
United States was forty-seven.

(Cool Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or
older.

(9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000.

(10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of
doctors as there are deaths due to firearms.

(11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens
every year.

(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he
fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.

(13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and
numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of
malnutrition.

(14) Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

(15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his
small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

(16) When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his
last dying breath in a bottle.

(17) In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed
from his funeral for swearing.

(18) Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at
the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President
Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting,
he refused ever to attend a state affair again.

(19) When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley's comet
was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909
that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died
on April 21, 1910, Halley's comet was once again visible in the
sky.

"I'm not afraid of death. It's just that I don't want to be
there when it happens." - Woody Allen

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 13:44

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich
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Post by geri_ong on 2011-04-24, 13:47

they might not be my friends after that. lol Very Happy
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 17:19

Lol--I have a few like that and I extend that to them too. Razz
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 22:58

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-24, 22:59

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Post by Debbie on 2011-04-29, 00:33

Maggie wrote:Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

that really funny lol!

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Post by Maggie on 2011-04-30, 11:11

Cute Groaner

Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told
me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing
like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach
a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a
parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish
CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's
driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
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Maggie
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