Positive Affirmations and Funny Jokes

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Post by daisy on 2011-05-02, 19:35

hahaa lol!
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Post by Maggie on 2011-05-07, 18:49

That´s Stress !

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved...
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!
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Post by Maggie on 2011-05-07, 18:51

Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a
powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a
brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just
finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he'd let
us try out some of his first batch of hooch."

The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down
Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle
of whiskey. "Here, try this and tell me if you think it's
aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.

Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced,
"Crosbie's still's mash is young."

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Post by Maggie on 2011-05-19, 21:41

A man and wife were enjoying a dinner party at the home of
friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife slapped her
husband's arm.

"That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she said.
"The Hostess must think you're an absolute pig."

"I doubt that," the husband said. "I've been telling her
it's for you."
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Post by Maggie on 2011-06-01, 12:41

A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park
and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to
head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her
pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy
out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'
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Post by Maggie on 2011-06-07, 01:12

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.


bout an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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Post by Maggie on 2011-06-10, 17:50

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
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Post by Maggie on 2011-06-10, 22:13

The Witch Doctor Told Me


Ooo, Eee
Ooo, Ah, Ah
Ting, Tang
Walla Walla
Bing Bang.
Ooo, Eee
Ooo, Ah, Ah
Ting Tang
Walla Walla
Bing Bang!
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Post by tina71 on 2011-06-10, 22:15

lol
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Post by Maggie on 2011-06-10, 22:22

I thought so too. haha
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Post by Maggie on 2011-07-18, 13:58

Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 17-year-old daughter to the doctor.

"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is
pregnant--about four months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"

The doctor replied, "No, not at all. It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"
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Post by spsp1 on 2011-08-04, 11:09

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!


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Post by Maggie on 2011-08-04, 12:43

Sweet and cute!
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Post by dreamer011 on 2011-10-04, 01:19

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me" Philippians 4:13.
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Post by Maggie on 2011-10-04, 09:46

Very nice reminder.
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Post by koukla2418 on 2011-10-04, 17:17

very nice
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Post by koukla2418 on 2011-10-04, 17:17

theres das were we all need to remember to laugh
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Post by geri_ong on 2011-10-11, 10:51

thanks dreamer, for that. Smile

reminder to all: yoohoo! you already have what you want, so stop with the negative thinking! remember, what happens in reality, is not actuality; it's merely a reflection.
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